Famous People Poems

written by unfamous people

17 notes

8 HAIKUS FOR DANE COOK*

The lights are blinding
Sweaty heat and gasps of shock
But not the good kind

Stiff spiky helmet
Will not protect you from wind
Blown in by disdain

Once vibrant, now tired
An aging Pagliacci
Sex is not laughter

Shuddering contempt
Hipsters refusing to laugh
Sufi now falls limp

O fame! It is cruel
When you earn it through deceit
One’s pride pays the price

Stadiums go dark
College students graduate
C.K. grows stronger

You are receding
The blister of rejection
Such disfigurement

There are still groupies
Who’ll fuck you on the way down
I say good riddance

*sorry for two bros in a row

Filed under dane cook comedian bomb hack sucks asshole fuck you schadenfreude

4 notes

TUCKER MAX

(inspired by this article: http://www.forbes.com/sites/michaelellsberg/2012/01/18/tucker-max-gives-up-the-game/)


Tucker Max
I imagine you in a pile of corpses
Full of half-grown-out weaves
Blonde
Too shiny
Barbie hair
And you look sad
As you eat one more french fry

Dude ISO Wife
Must be hot
Not too hot
C cup
I mean I only care about your feelings
I want you to care about mine

Let’s go into the bookstore
I can see myself on a display
I’m only wearing this baseball cap
To avoid the inevitable high fives
You will smell like Tresor standing next to me
I will see myself
Chins
Defiant

And after we get home
You will hold me when I cry
And not call me a fag

Filed under tucker max feelings love bro frat celebrity poem

0 notes

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

I actually paid to download The Shield
It’s not an impulse to which I normally yield
It was pretty good, for a cop show, I guess
I liked how you were a complete total mess

This isn’t a recap of your most famous show
(Don’t mention The Commish, it’s okay, I know)
I mean, I think you won Emmys, but I don’t know how many
Probably more than one, maybe less than twenty

You’re one of those short guys who’s a little too ripped
And you seem like you’d constantly be rewriting the script
“This line doesn’t work with my motivation”
“This scene doesn’t adequately express my frustration.”

So basically, I’m saying, you seem like a prick
But maybe it’s just that your acting’s so slick
I can’t tell the difference between you and some guy
Who shot an undercover cop in the eye*.


*or someplace else, it’s been a while since I saw the show.